I had the weirdest dream last night! I dreamt that both of my arms were amputated at the shoulder – nothing gory in the dream, just one day they were not there. The strangest thing for me was my reaction in the dream. I had two distinct worries about this situation – firstly that people could hug me without me stopping them and secondly that when shopping the shop assistant would have to rummage through my hand bag for me. I don’t remember being concerned about anything as practical as feeding myself or getting dressed. I know I’m not a huggy person – I like hugs but I don’t want to hug everyone – but I didn’t think I was so prickly! I guess the root of it is that I don’t like feeling vulnerable and out of control. The thought of someone digging around in my handbag is horrible – I like my privacy.
This made me ask myself the question – Do I keep God at an arms distance, trying to keep control over my own life? Have a set a boundary with God saying you can come this close, but no further? Sometimes it feels like being vulnerable with God is a bit dangerous. It reminds me of the part in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when Susan asks the Beavers about Aslan:
Susan: “Ooh, I’d thought he was a man. Is he–quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”
Mrs. Beaver: “That you will, dearie, and no mistake, if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else silly.”
Lucy: Is he… safe?
Mr. Beaver: Safe? Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Of course he isn’t safe… but… he’s GOOD… He’s the King.
I certainly don’t doubt that God is good:
Psalms 100:5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
But I also know that His Holiness and Righteousness compels me to do better and to submit to his control – that is the unsafe feeling part. Help me Lord not to keep you at am arms length, knowing that while you are not safe, you are certainly good.